Once upon a time, for that is how many good fairy tales seem to begin, lived the Three Little Pigs. Now these three pigs sat at home day and night, pigging out on food, for that’s what they do, and before long, they were no longer little pigs, but in fact very big indeed. So it was that one day their poor mother, fed up with having to continuously provide for three lazy and ungrateful children, decided she had had enough, and proceeded to kick them out of the house to fend for themselves.
The three pigs, who shall now be known as the ‘Three Big Pigs,’ due to their incessant eating habits, set out into the world with their mother’s final piece of advice ringing in their ears, “Beware of the Big Bad Wolf.” Now, we all know that in the real world, pigs cannot really talk, but this is the land of make-believe, and, as is such in this story, animals are allowed to speak. And with that, the three pigs went their separate ways.
The First Big Pig was incredibly lazy and found no motivation to work, so he went about his days feasting from the enormous array of food scraps found in various trashcans, and built himself a house of cardboard boxes, for that was the quickest and most simple. One fine day, the First Big Pig was resting peacefully within his home, when along came the Big Bad Wolf. “I am the Big Bad Wolf,” he proclaimed, “and I will huff and puff, and blow your house down, then eat you up!” The First Pig Big startled from his sleep, exclaimed, “Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!” for being the unkempt, messy pig which he was, there was indeed much hair on his chin. So the wolf huffed, and he puffed, but the cardboard house did not budge! Undeterred, the wolf returned with a box of matches to burn the house down and reach the first pig, but by that time the pig had already escaped.
The Second Big Pig was slightly more ambitious, and applied for a job at a fast food store, where he received an unlimited supply of hamburgers, even though he slaved away for many long hours at minimum wage. With his first week’s wages, he bought himself a tent, and, hearing of the First Big Pig’s sorry plight, invited him to stay. But alas, the Big Bad Wolf could not leave the pigs alone, and before long, he came around for a visit. “I am the Big Bad Wolf,” he proclaimed, “and I will huff and puff, and blow your house down, then eat you up!” The two big pigs replied in unison, “Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!” for the second pig, too busy eating hamburgers, had no time to maintain his facial hair, and also had much hair upon his chin. So the wolf huffed, and he puffed, but the tent did not budge! This time the wolf had his matches ready, but the pigs knew of his tricks and had already run far far away.
The Third Big Pig was very ambitious and out to make the most of his life. He jumped at the chance -not literally, as he was devoid of the physical ability to actually propel his body off the ground- to be a contestant in the popular television show, The Biggest Loser. As luck would have it, he was successful in winning the show, and he not only lost a lot of weight, but also gained a million dollars in prize money. Being the generous and kind pig that he was, he invited both of his brothers to stay with him at his newly acquired mansion. And once again, along came the Big Bad Wolf. “I am the Big Bad Wolf,” he proclaimed, “and I will huff and puff, and blow your house down, then eat you up!” But try as he might, of course he could not, and the three pigs did not even waste their breath betting their chin hairs on it.
Instead, all the Three Big Pigs went outside with a harpoon gun, also bought with the Third Big Pig’s prize money, to silence the Big Bad Wolf once and for all...
